So I'm processing the concept of love.
Love is a series of choices. It can be driven by emotion, even driven by passion, but in the end it's not any of those. It's a decision to do what's best for whatever/whomever you love, regardless of whether you want to or not. Love is unselfishness.
I am not ready to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I have too much that I want to do to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I don't find it especially sinful that I have desires that I want; I think it would be sinful to chase after a relationship while knowing that I am not ready to be unselfish. It's like trying to commission an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar when I don't even play guitar yet.
To extend the metaphor, the only way that buying an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar is a good idea is if you spend your time getting really good at guitar. The only way that seeking a relationship would be good for me is if I had done the preparations for a relationship. I need to be unselfish, which comes of having a deeper relationship with God. Having a deep relationship with God is the ultimate essential for having a solid earthly relationship/marriage.
And it's hard to get that through my head. It's hard to focus on God, not as a way to get a relationship, but as the end result. It's hard for me to say "I am focusing on God, and if he never gives me a relationship/marriage, I will be fulfilled in the fact that I know Jesus Christ." That's where Jesus wants me to be.
That's definitely not where I am right now. If I say that's where I am, I'm simply lying. I love God, yes, but I am not to the point where I love God so much that it transcends my desire for an earthly relationship. I pray that someday it will.
But with the revelation that love is all about choices, my love of God is thrown into a different light. I have been choosing to do the right thing all along; the only thing that makes my new self different is that I do it because I want to bring glory to God. It's basically adding the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do. "Because I love God, I sweep the chapel." "Because I love God, I honor my parents." "Because I love God, I run a music magazine."
The problem arises in that some of the things I do, I do not do because I love God. By purposefully choosing to add the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do, I realize that some of the things I do, while not necessarily bad, are not done because I love God. In simpler terms, I do them because I am selfish, and not because I love God.
This has caused me to evaluate the things I do.
Even deeper than that, knowing that love is a choice means that me loving God is a choice to do things to honor him or not. Nothing is explicitly secular or Christian - it's how we choose to do things that matters. Who I give honor to when I am complemented is an issue. Who am I glorying in? Am I proud that I was able to accomplish that? Am I giving glory to God, who gave me the ability to do anything and everything?
...this one's not done. I'm tired and need sleep. I have a lot more to think on this subject. But there's good here.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Why I like: Judges
So I just finished reading Judges, and I have one overlying thought. Here it is:
Honestly, what is Samson doing in Hebrews 11?
He would not be counted in my heroes of the faith, had I such a list. His life was brutal, ugly, and chock full of missed opportunities and sinful dalliances with foreign women. And yet, he's in there with Gideon and Jepththah and Barak, who all did mostly good things. I don't get it.
It's not that Samson didn't do good things. It's just that he did mostly bad things, as recorded by the author of Judges, at least. I would have rather put Daniel in there. He makes more sense to me.
To me, putting Samson in there is almost as bad as if the author of Hebrews had put Jonah in there. Not quite as bad, but still.
On the up side, it makes me feel better about my life. If Samson, with all his chaotic, sin-riddled life could still please God with his faith, how much more can I please God with faith?
It just seems to me that if you have faith, you would do good things. Because I usually feel more prone to doing good things in the right motivation when I have faith that God is going to do what he says he will do. I guess that Samson's faith and Samson's actions were somehow separate.
Or, alternately, how much more great would Samson's actions have been if his faith was stronger?
The mind boggles.
Honestly, what is Samson doing in Hebrews 11?
He would not be counted in my heroes of the faith, had I such a list. His life was brutal, ugly, and chock full of missed opportunities and sinful dalliances with foreign women. And yet, he's in there with Gideon and Jepththah and Barak, who all did mostly good things. I don't get it.
It's not that Samson didn't do good things. It's just that he did mostly bad things, as recorded by the author of Judges, at least. I would have rather put Daniel in there. He makes more sense to me.
To me, putting Samson in there is almost as bad as if the author of Hebrews had put Jonah in there. Not quite as bad, but still.
On the up side, it makes me feel better about my life. If Samson, with all his chaotic, sin-riddled life could still please God with his faith, how much more can I please God with faith?
It just seems to me that if you have faith, you would do good things. Because I usually feel more prone to doing good things in the right motivation when I have faith that God is going to do what he says he will do. I guess that Samson's faith and Samson's actions were somehow separate.
Or, alternately, how much more great would Samson's actions have been if his faith was stronger?
The mind boggles.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Why I like: Isaiah
I am surprised that God likes people. As a lot, we're a pretty unimpressive bunch. We doubt a lot. We try to get out of hard things. We generally don't do very well at the things we are called to do because we are distracted a lot of the time.
Even the great followers of God were pretty bad at the whole thing. Moses tries every excuse in the book to get out of being a leader (he goes on to be the greatest leader of Israel ever, in case you hadn't heard). Gideon asks for THREE supernatural signs before he'll agree to do what God asks (he goes on to be one of the greatest Judges of Israel ever, in case you don't know the ending). Jeremiah says he's young (he lives a life of dedication to God). Even the great prophet Elijah, whom people confused Jesus for, told God that he was exhausted and sick of the ministry. The same man who was one of two men to never die, one of two men to appear with Jesus at the Transfiguration, says to Almighty God: "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (I Kings 19:4)
I think I am justified when I say we are pretty terrible at this following thing. I haven't even discussed the colossal failures of Samson, Jepththah, Jacob and more. Even Peter denied Christ three times publicly. He went on to lead the entire church.
Yet, there are some who just get it. Isaiah is one of them.
Granted, Isaiah also gets to be in the throne room of God while he is being called. But still - he sees God, hears the call of "Who will go for us?" and he says "ME! I'm going!" He doesn't even ponder.
He does, however, wonder how long it will take, and God tells him, in no uncertain terms, that it will be a very long time, possibly forever. Also, he will be rejected and denied for all of his life.
What does Isaiah do? Goes and does it.
That's incredible. He knows he will be rejected, but he goes anyway, because it is what God has called him to do.
I want that kind of faith. I know it is something that grows, and I know it's a painful process. I know. But I'm past the point where I'm preserving myself from pain for the mere fact that it's my life and I don't want pain. I want to know God and trust him. That is where the real stuff is at.
And I know I'm just setting myself up for rough times. But God will bring me through. I am confident of that. I'm still here, aren't I?
Even the great followers of God were pretty bad at the whole thing. Moses tries every excuse in the book to get out of being a leader (he goes on to be the greatest leader of Israel ever, in case you hadn't heard). Gideon asks for THREE supernatural signs before he'll agree to do what God asks (he goes on to be one of the greatest Judges of Israel ever, in case you don't know the ending). Jeremiah says he's young (he lives a life of dedication to God). Even the great prophet Elijah, whom people confused Jesus for, told God that he was exhausted and sick of the ministry. The same man who was one of two men to never die, one of two men to appear with Jesus at the Transfiguration, says to Almighty God: "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (I Kings 19:4)
I think I am justified when I say we are pretty terrible at this following thing. I haven't even discussed the colossal failures of Samson, Jepththah, Jacob and more. Even Peter denied Christ three times publicly. He went on to lead the entire church.
Yet, there are some who just get it. Isaiah is one of them.
Granted, Isaiah also gets to be in the throne room of God while he is being called. But still - he sees God, hears the call of "Who will go for us?" and he says "ME! I'm going!" He doesn't even ponder.
He does, however, wonder how long it will take, and God tells him, in no uncertain terms, that it will be a very long time, possibly forever. Also, he will be rejected and denied for all of his life.
What does Isaiah do? Goes and does it.
That's incredible. He knows he will be rejected, but he goes anyway, because it is what God has called him to do.
I want that kind of faith. I know it is something that grows, and I know it's a painful process. I know. But I'm past the point where I'm preserving myself from pain for the mere fact that it's my life and I don't want pain. I want to know God and trust him. That is where the real stuff is at.
And I know I'm just setting myself up for rough times. But God will bring me through. I am confident of that. I'm still here, aren't I?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Why I like: Confronting Sin
So I'm realizing that jealousy is a problem for me. It's not that I have jealous eyes; I don't envy other people's stuff. I have a jealous spirit. I envy other people in total.
A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.
I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.
But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.
I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.
Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.
But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.
Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.
I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.
But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.
The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"
And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""
What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.
In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.
Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.
Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.
I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.
Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.
May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.
A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.
I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.
But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.
I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.
Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.
But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.
Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.
I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.
But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.
The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"
And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""
What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.
In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.
Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.
Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.
I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.
Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.
May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Why I like: Honesty
I find that I get better results on everything if I'm honest. I have found few exceptions to this rule. This is also aided by the fact that I do little that I feel the desire to lie about. Even so, things that I think will be awkward or painful to admit usually go pretty well when I'm gentle yet honest with people.
Woo honesty.
In a lighter note, I searched for pictures of Bob Barker online today, and I got to call it work.
What a job. I love it.
Woo honesty.
In a lighter note, I searched for pictures of Bob Barker online today, and I got to call it work.
What a job. I love it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Untitled things
So I want to write, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I'm working through a bunch of things in my head, but none are done enough to write down yet.
Camp is going well. That is all.
Camp is going well. That is all.
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