So I'm processing the concept of love.
Love is a series of choices. It can be driven by emotion, even driven by passion, but in the end it's not any of those. It's a decision to do what's best for whatever/whomever you love, regardless of whether you want to or not. Love is unselfishness.
I am not ready to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I have too much that I want to do to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I don't find it especially sinful that I have desires that I want; I think it would be sinful to chase after a relationship while knowing that I am not ready to be unselfish. It's like trying to commission an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar when I don't even play guitar yet.
To extend the metaphor, the only way that buying an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar is a good idea is if you spend your time getting really good at guitar. The only way that seeking a relationship would be good for me is if I had done the preparations for a relationship. I need to be unselfish, which comes of having a deeper relationship with God. Having a deep relationship with God is the ultimate essential for having a solid earthly relationship/marriage.
And it's hard to get that through my head. It's hard to focus on God, not as a way to get a relationship, but as the end result. It's hard for me to say "I am focusing on God, and if he never gives me a relationship/marriage, I will be fulfilled in the fact that I know Jesus Christ." That's where Jesus wants me to be.
That's definitely not where I am right now. If I say that's where I am, I'm simply lying. I love God, yes, but I am not to the point where I love God so much that it transcends my desire for an earthly relationship. I pray that someday it will.
But with the revelation that love is all about choices, my love of God is thrown into a different light. I have been choosing to do the right thing all along; the only thing that makes my new self different is that I do it because I want to bring glory to God. It's basically adding the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do. "Because I love God, I sweep the chapel." "Because I love God, I honor my parents." "Because I love God, I run a music magazine."
The problem arises in that some of the things I do, I do not do because I love God. By purposefully choosing to add the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do, I realize that some of the things I do, while not necessarily bad, are not done because I love God. In simpler terms, I do them because I am selfish, and not because I love God.
This has caused me to evaluate the things I do.
Even deeper than that, knowing that love is a choice means that me loving God is a choice to do things to honor him or not. Nothing is explicitly secular or Christian - it's how we choose to do things that matters. Who I give honor to when I am complemented is an issue. Who am I glorying in? Am I proud that I was able to accomplish that? Am I giving glory to God, who gave me the ability to do anything and everything?
...this one's not done. I'm tired and need sleep. I have a lot more to think on this subject. But there's good here.
2 comments:
And I remember what Susan said, How love is found in the things you've given up more than in the things that we have kept...
But at some point you just pick up the guitar and start playing; playing in the faith that you will get good at it. I was at a wedding recently where the minister prayed that the couple would "Always love each other as much as they do today," and I cringed. If they will always love each other only as much as they do on their wedding day, it won't be enough. Not near enough. Love had better grow through the ups and downs and trials of life - or no one would ever stay married. There's a reason you promise for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health...because you will experience all of these and all of them can grow love...or destroy it. Your choice...
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