Why I like: Judges

So I just finished reading Judges, and I have one overlying thought. Here it is:

Honestly, what is Samson doing in Hebrews 11?

He would not be counted in my heroes of the faith, had I such a list. His life was brutal, ugly, and chock full of missed opportunities and sinful dalliances with foreign women. And yet, he's in there with Gideon and Jepththah and Barak, who all did mostly good things. I don't get it.

It's not that Samson didn't do good things. It's just that he did mostly bad things, as recorded by the author of Judges, at least. I would have rather put Daniel in there. He makes more sense to me.

To me, putting Samson in there is almost as bad as if the author of Hebrews had put Jonah in there. Not quite as bad, but still.

On the up side, it makes me feel better about my life. If Samson, with all his chaotic, sin-riddled life could still please God with his faith, how much more can I please God with faith?

It just seems to me that if you have faith, you would do good things. Because I usually feel more prone to doing good things in the right motivation when I have faith that God is going to do what he says he will do. I guess that Samson's faith and Samson's actions were somehow separate.

Or, alternately, how much more great would Samson's actions have been if his faith was stronger?

The mind boggles.

Why I like: Isaiah

I am surprised that God likes people. As a lot, we're a pretty unimpressive bunch. We doubt a lot. We try to get out of hard things. We generally don't do very well at the things we are called to do because we are distracted a lot of the time.

Even the great followers of God were pretty bad at the whole thing. Moses tries every excuse in the book to get out of being a leader (he goes on to be the greatest leader of Israel ever, in case you hadn't heard). Gideon asks for THREE supernatural signs before he'll agree to do what God asks (he goes on to be one of the greatest Judges of Israel ever, in case you don't know the ending). Jeremiah says he's young (he lives a life of dedication to God). Even the great prophet Elijah, whom people confused Jesus for, told God that he was exhausted and sick of the ministry. The same man who was one of two men to never die, one of two men to appear with Jesus at the Transfiguration, says to Almighty God: "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (I Kings 19:4)

I think I am justified when I say we are pretty terrible at this following thing. I haven't even discussed the colossal failures of Samson, Jepththah, Jacob and more. Even Peter denied Christ three times publicly. He went on to lead the entire church.

Yet, there are some who just get it. Isaiah is one of them.

Granted, Isaiah also gets to be in the throne room of God while he is being called. But still - he sees God, hears the call of "Who will go for us?" and he says "ME! I'm going!" He doesn't even ponder.

He does, however, wonder how long it will take, and God tells him, in no uncertain terms, that it will be a very long time, possibly forever. Also, he will be rejected and denied for all of his life.

What does Isaiah do? Goes and does it.

That's incredible. He knows he will be rejected, but he goes anyway, because it is what God has called him to do.

I want that kind of faith. I know it is something that grows, and I know it's a painful process. I know. But I'm past the point where I'm preserving myself from pain for the mere fact that it's my life and I don't want pain. I want to know God and trust him. That is where the real stuff is at.

And I know I'm just setting myself up for rough times. But God will bring me through. I am confident of that. I'm still here, aren't I?

Why I like: Confronting Sin

So I'm realizing that jealousy is a problem for me. It's not that I have jealous eyes; I don't envy other people's stuff. I have a jealous spirit. I envy other people in total.

A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.

I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.

But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.

I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.

Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.

But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.

Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.

I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.

But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.

The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"

And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""

What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.

In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.

Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.

Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.

I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.

Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.

May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.

Why I like: Honesty

I find that I get better results on everything if I'm honest. I have found few exceptions to this rule. This is also aided by the fact that I do little that I feel the desire to lie about. Even so, things that I think will be awkward or painful to admit usually go pretty well when I'm gentle yet honest with people.

Woo honesty.

In a lighter note, I searched for pictures of Bob Barker online today, and I got to call it work.

What a job. I love it.

Untitled things

So I want to write, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I'm working through a bunch of things in my head, but none are done enough to write down yet.

Camp is going well. That is all.

Why I like: Simplicity

So I'm reading a book called "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. Let me clarify the phrase "reading." I am forcing myself to read and comprehend "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. For me, who has struggles with faith, reading a book about how God is completely sovereign and how it compels us to evangelize is kind've like a 3rd grader picking up Shakespeare and hoping to learn how to read English. It's several levels above me, but I want to learn, so I'm doing it.

It's hard.

One of the things that Packer discusses is the concept of antinomy: two ideas that are perfectly logical when held apart from each other, but seemingly contradictory when held next to each other. The two parts of the major antinomy he discusses are thus: God ordains our actions and Man is held responsible for his own actions. I haven't read through it yet, so I can't fully explain how it is reconciled.

That specific antinomy is not my point, though. The point is antinomies in the whole. There are so many antinomies that I cannot comprehend. I cannot begin to fathom how God loves the lost but also considers them objects of wrath until they believe in him. I cannot understand how God loves us the way we are but offers stern warnings for those who don't grow in their faith. I don't understand how there are so many warnings about falling away when other parts say that you can't lose salvation. They boggle my mind.

Many people are able to just accept these antinomies. Many people don't even wonder about them - their lives are antinomy-free. I, on the other hand, feel undercut by them. I feel like I can't effectively evangelize if I can't even figure out what my faith is about. I feel like I'm failing as a Christian because I'm not living up to the standards set out for me in the Bible (which are impossible). I feel like I'm not worth being listened to because I have these things that plague me.

I wish that it were as simple as it was explained to me: Believe that you're a sinner, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross for your sins, and that he rose from the dead to conquer sin. With that, you are forgiven.

It is a simple transaction: You take my sins and give me a new life. No one told me that after that comes the real work. The hard work of the soul in the new life, which is unfortunately stationed in the old world, is just that: hard. You do not get to have fire insurance. You don't get to sit back and say "woot, got Jesus in the bag. Good to go." It is more than that.

I want it to be simple again. I want to have a quiet life, like 1st Thessalonians 4:11 commands us to have. I don't want to go rocking the boat. I don't want to be the lifelong foreign missionary who goes through tremendous struggles and prison and war and famine. I want to live a simple, quiet life. For Jesus. Without fear, or man or of God. Right now I'm kinda terrified of both - I'm afraid that God is dissatisfied with my growth, and that men do not think I am a being a good steward. I am trying my hardest, but these fears plague me.

I love being calm. I like being loud very much, but I love being calm. Calm music, calm chair, calm life. I don't ask for much. I don't want much. I do want my fears gone, my life calm. I hope that those two aren't an antimony in themselves.

Why I like: Staff Lounge Pizza

When I was a counselor in 2006, I ate a piece of pizza from the staff lounge refrigerator every day all summer.

Last summer there was no pizza in the fridge.

Today, there was pizza in the fridge again. I am beyond happy. It's a piece of my history and free meals wrapped into one.

Yay for nostalgia and stinginess!

Why I like: Mail

Good surprise is one of the greatest feelings I experience. When something good happens that I didn't expect, it's a thoroughly uplifting experience. Good mail is one of the best examples of good surprises. On top of just being a good surprise, it's a good surprise that means someone was thinking of you fondly. It's a double win.

I love getting mail.

Why I like: Reasons

When people do bad things, other people immediately want to know why they did it. Policemen search out the motives of the crime. In less severe circumstances, the phrase "Why would you do that?" is common. It's just a natural thing - when you do something out of line with the way things should be, the reason begs to be known.

It's much more difficult to get someone to say "Why would you do that?" over something good. The reasons behind good things are just not as interesting as the reasons behind bad things. I am well aware that I do many of the things I do for reasons other than people think. I treat certain people certain ways because it will make life easier for them (or me, or both). I work to please those in authority, but also to avoid being in trouble. I write what a professor wants to hear so I can get the grade I want. I am doing good things - but I don't always do them for the purpose of being good. And no one asks, because as long as good happens for people, they are not inquisitive as to why (most of the time).

But to God, the reasons behind good things are more important than the reasons behind bad things. He already knows why I do bad things - my sin nature compels me (before I met Jesus) or entices me (after I met Jesus). It's simple.

But God wants me to do good because I love him. He doesn't want me to do good so that I get the things he has promised. He is not fooled by that trick. That is hard for me. I assume that since I am reading the Bible, doing what it says, and persevering that I should get what I want. That whole Psalm 37:4 thing? ("Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart") It doesn't read "Do stuff in the name of the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Jesus harshly dismissed the idea that you could merely do things in the name of Jesus and get rewarded for it in Matthew 7:

22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' (thanks, Biblegateway.com)

I am overwhelmed. The only thing that matters is how our spirit relates to God. Everything else will fall into line after that. I can't believe how incredibly simple it sounds compared to how incredibly complicated it is. My spirit is who I am. Changing who I am is really what I just said was necessary. And it is necessary. But when you think about the practical outworkings of changing who you are, it's mindboggling. Changing what you do with your time. Changing what you say when you're with people. Changing what you watch. Changing what you listen to. Changing what you read. Changing what you think. Changing.

In short, the reasons matter. I don't know how to change the reasons I do things. They've been pretty set for a while. I want to love Jesus, really love him - but I don't know how. I know you have to take it a step at a time, but that first step is confusing.

I just took it, though. I think.

Why I like: Magic Eight Balls

The hardest thing that I struggle with in the Christian walk is faith itself. It's often hard for me to see the point in waiting on God to do something when he continually does not do it. It would make more sense to me to just rush out and do it myself. I know that this selfish approach to things is a bad idea; I have experience to back it up. But it's still enticing when I see my hopes for something (anything) dashed repeatedly.

It's almost humorous, because faith is more than central to Christianity - it's synonomous with it. I've heard people say that Christians are "of the faith," seen people describe their religiosity as "their faith," and call evangelism "sharing my faith." Admitting that I struggle with believing that God will actually do what he says he will do is kind've like saying I'm in the Icecapades but I don't believe that ice skating is safe.

And yet, it's the truth. I have no trouble believing that Christ is who he says he is, coping with the fact that there is evil in the world, or admitting that some go to heaven and many go to hell. I sleep just fine on those - he said it in the Bible, so it's true. I'm down with that.

But the problem of reality, of the outworkings of God's promises? That keeps me up at night. I want God's promises. I want them to come true. I want the desires of my heart. God promises those. I want to be wise. God promises that. I want comfort in knowing Christ. God promises that. I want peace. God promises that.

God's not a magic eight ball, though. I can't just shake God and get an answer out of him. God knows what he's doing. I just wish I could sit back and be okay with that. Being comfortable with not trying to make things happen is just plain hard. Where's the line between giving things to God and plain laziness? Where's the line between caution and distrust? Where does it go from God-honoring to selfish?

All these things plague me. These emotions well up because the promises of God are slow coming trains.

Even more than that, it's hard for me to relate to God. I love physical touch, planning, and efficient problem solving. God is not a God of who reaches out and hugs me or reveals his plans. He solves problems in his own time, which is often not what I consider a timely or efficient manner. I am thankful when he solves them, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that says "well, everything works itself out in time - with or without God."

I have to continually tell myself that the thought is just not true. I think that is as deep as my faith runs right now - to willfully choose God's explantion instead of choosing my explanation. It doesn't make any human sense to choose God's explanation, but he never said it would make human sense.

I always have thought that was kind of a cop-out for religious people - it's not supposed to make sense, it's a thing of God. I just feel unsatisfied with that answer. But in the end, faith is believing that it is true. That's faith to me - choosing to believe that God is real and working even though it's hard. I have seen effects in the past. I know that he works. But waiting on direction, and a wife, and a life is hard stuff.

hard stuff.

note: this is not to say that camp is going poorly, or that my walk is suffering. On the contrary, they are going incredibly well. It is just that I finally have time to sit down and process all these things that have been going through my head since last August, and not all of them are "pretty." I am not falling away while I am at a Christian camp (irony of ironies). I am just being honest about what's going on. That's how I roll.

Why I like: Being the Driver

When you get lost and end up 40 miles out of the way, it's not primarily the driver's fault. It's mostly the navigator's.

Related: Fort Smith is south of Fayetteville....now I know.

Why I like: Punk Rawk Show by MxPx

Every week after MCP Live, I and another air guitar furiously to "Punk Rawk Show" by MxPx. It is one of my favorite times in life. There's nothing like singing along to punk rawk at deafening volumes while air guitaring with your friends. Nothing.

I will do it until I die. I am not kidding. I will be that Dad embarrassing his kids, and then that Father-in-law embarrassing the other side of the family, and then that old Grandpa still air guitaring. Because after that whole age 30 to age 60 gap, living life becomes really cool again. In the middle people get embarrassed if you do things like air guitar or go to clubs. But once you're like 60, everyone's like "Yeah! He's awesome. He still air guitars, even though he's 71 years old."

I am going to be that guy, and it will still be "Punk Rawk Show" by MxPx. I want it played at my funeral. I am not kidding.

Why I like: Lifeguarding

When your job requirements are near-silence and long stretches of time, you get to think a lot. I like that.

Also, it's professional people watching. How great is that?

Why I like: Index Cards

I'm a planner. I plan out everything, including conversations I'm going to have. Especially conversations that I'm going to have that are going to be uncomfortable or painful for me. I think out the points that I'm going to say, then list them in my head. Then I repeat that list several times, or many times, depending on how far away the conversation is.

The only problem with this is that I forget to incorporate the fact that people respond to my words into the script. Once I say one thing, the other person responds, and then we go off on that sentence or topic.

I then forget the rest of my points. I basically need index cards to have effective conversations. If I had all my points written on an index card, I could totally just look down and make sure I had said everything. It might tip some people off though; if I'm confronting someone in love, coming with index card in hand might make them a bit apprehensive.

For example: apologizing. Simple task, right? Should be easy?

To me, there are five parts to an apology:

1. Hey, I want to apologize.
2. I was wrong when I did (that thing).
3. I'm sorry that I did (that thing), because it hurt you. I don't want to hurt people.
4. (That thing) won't happen again.
5. Will you forgive me?

Even knowing that, I go into conversations and totally lose track of all my points. I usually get one or two out. Then I leave, feel unfinished, and want to go back to make more points. Kind of a closure thing.

I should just always bring an index card. Kinda like the towel from Hitchhiker's Guide, I guess. Only not as humorous.

Why I like: Putting Down the Shovel

I'm a very open person. I don't hide my emotions or opinions very often, and as a result, I get to the bottom of situations very quickly.

This is a blessing and a curse, because sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is resolution, and sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is a hole that I can't dig myself out of.

I hate it when an innocent conversation starts going down an incredibly awkward path. I almost always try to dig myself out, and more often than not it just gets worse and worse. Feelings get hurt, opinions of me get changed, people get offended, maybe even blows get exchanged. Mostly the first three, but you know how I roll. The fourth is always an option. Me and my 5"7' self.

But for serious, if I don't pay attention I have the ability to sound really callous and shallow for saying things I honestly believe. It's a problem. I'm just too comfortable with my opinions - I can dash them off and not even think about how the people I'm conversing with will act.

I also make light of situations in what some feel is an inappropriate manner. Again, I'm too comfortable with the subject material.

All this to say: not everything I know should be said to other people. Not everything I say should be known to other people. Oy vey.

Bumper Sticker You'll Never See: I put the kwar in awkward.

Why I Like: Personality Quirks

Let it be known that I am that guy who goes to a dance party and is more excited about the granola bars than the party.

Yeah, that totally happened today.

Why I like: Darts

We have a dart board in the staff lounge. I haven't hit any people, so I think this moves me up from novice to amateur. For reals though: I am quickly becoming a dart shark (if by 'dart shark' you mean that I'm hitting the board more often than the wall now). YES!

It's just fun to throw something sharp as hard as you can and not get in trouble for it.