Why I like: Magic Eight Balls

The hardest thing that I struggle with in the Christian walk is faith itself. It's often hard for me to see the point in waiting on God to do something when he continually does not do it. It would make more sense to me to just rush out and do it myself. I know that this selfish approach to things is a bad idea; I have experience to back it up. But it's still enticing when I see my hopes for something (anything) dashed repeatedly.

It's almost humorous, because faith is more than central to Christianity - it's synonomous with it. I've heard people say that Christians are "of the faith," seen people describe their religiosity as "their faith," and call evangelism "sharing my faith." Admitting that I struggle with believing that God will actually do what he says he will do is kind've like saying I'm in the Icecapades but I don't believe that ice skating is safe.

And yet, it's the truth. I have no trouble believing that Christ is who he says he is, coping with the fact that there is evil in the world, or admitting that some go to heaven and many go to hell. I sleep just fine on those - he said it in the Bible, so it's true. I'm down with that.

But the problem of reality, of the outworkings of God's promises? That keeps me up at night. I want God's promises. I want them to come true. I want the desires of my heart. God promises those. I want to be wise. God promises that. I want comfort in knowing Christ. God promises that. I want peace. God promises that.

God's not a magic eight ball, though. I can't just shake God and get an answer out of him. God knows what he's doing. I just wish I could sit back and be okay with that. Being comfortable with not trying to make things happen is just plain hard. Where's the line between giving things to God and plain laziness? Where's the line between caution and distrust? Where does it go from God-honoring to selfish?

All these things plague me. These emotions well up because the promises of God are slow coming trains.

Even more than that, it's hard for me to relate to God. I love physical touch, planning, and efficient problem solving. God is not a God of who reaches out and hugs me or reveals his plans. He solves problems in his own time, which is often not what I consider a timely or efficient manner. I am thankful when he solves them, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that says "well, everything works itself out in time - with or without God."

I have to continually tell myself that the thought is just not true. I think that is as deep as my faith runs right now - to willfully choose God's explantion instead of choosing my explanation. It doesn't make any human sense to choose God's explanation, but he never said it would make human sense.

I always have thought that was kind of a cop-out for religious people - it's not supposed to make sense, it's a thing of God. I just feel unsatisfied with that answer. But in the end, faith is believing that it is true. That's faith to me - choosing to believe that God is real and working even though it's hard. I have seen effects in the past. I know that he works. But waiting on direction, and a wife, and a life is hard stuff.

hard stuff.

note: this is not to say that camp is going poorly, or that my walk is suffering. On the contrary, they are going incredibly well. It is just that I finally have time to sit down and process all these things that have been going through my head since last August, and not all of them are "pretty." I am not falling away while I am at a Christian camp (irony of ironies). I am just being honest about what's going on. That's how I roll.