Why I like: Confronting Sin

So I'm realizing that jealousy is a problem for me. It's not that I have jealous eyes; I don't envy other people's stuff. I have a jealous spirit. I envy other people in total.

A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.

I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.

But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.

I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.

Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.

But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.

Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.

I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.

But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.

The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"

And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""

What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.

In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.

Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.

Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.

I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.

Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.

May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.