Why I like: Simplicity

So I'm reading a book called "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. Let me clarify the phrase "reading." I am forcing myself to read and comprehend "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. For me, who has struggles with faith, reading a book about how God is completely sovereign and how it compels us to evangelize is kind've like a 3rd grader picking up Shakespeare and hoping to learn how to read English. It's several levels above me, but I want to learn, so I'm doing it.

It's hard.

One of the things that Packer discusses is the concept of antinomy: two ideas that are perfectly logical when held apart from each other, but seemingly contradictory when held next to each other. The two parts of the major antinomy he discusses are thus: God ordains our actions and Man is held responsible for his own actions. I haven't read through it yet, so I can't fully explain how it is reconciled.

That specific antinomy is not my point, though. The point is antinomies in the whole. There are so many antinomies that I cannot comprehend. I cannot begin to fathom how God loves the lost but also considers them objects of wrath until they believe in him. I cannot understand how God loves us the way we are but offers stern warnings for those who don't grow in their faith. I don't understand how there are so many warnings about falling away when other parts say that you can't lose salvation. They boggle my mind.

Many people are able to just accept these antinomies. Many people don't even wonder about them - their lives are antinomy-free. I, on the other hand, feel undercut by them. I feel like I can't effectively evangelize if I can't even figure out what my faith is about. I feel like I'm failing as a Christian because I'm not living up to the standards set out for me in the Bible (which are impossible). I feel like I'm not worth being listened to because I have these things that plague me.

I wish that it were as simple as it was explained to me: Believe that you're a sinner, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross for your sins, and that he rose from the dead to conquer sin. With that, you are forgiven.

It is a simple transaction: You take my sins and give me a new life. No one told me that after that comes the real work. The hard work of the soul in the new life, which is unfortunately stationed in the old world, is just that: hard. You do not get to have fire insurance. You don't get to sit back and say "woot, got Jesus in the bag. Good to go." It is more than that.

I want it to be simple again. I want to have a quiet life, like 1st Thessalonians 4:11 commands us to have. I don't want to go rocking the boat. I don't want to be the lifelong foreign missionary who goes through tremendous struggles and prison and war and famine. I want to live a simple, quiet life. For Jesus. Without fear, or man or of God. Right now I'm kinda terrified of both - I'm afraid that God is dissatisfied with my growth, and that men do not think I am a being a good steward. I am trying my hardest, but these fears plague me.

I love being calm. I like being loud very much, but I love being calm. Calm music, calm chair, calm life. I don't ask for much. I don't want much. I do want my fears gone, my life calm. I hope that those two aren't an antimony in themselves.