Camp is over; work week is here. People are slowly leaving - some in clumps, some at random times. There's about 20-25 of us left; ropes techs, lifeguards, wranglers and kitchen workers (i.e. almost all of my friends from this summer). We're having a blast hanging out and getting camp ready for the retreat season.
I'll be back in Tulsa on Sunday at noon. Then I'll be back in Norman Wednesday the 20th. It will be a change.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Declare
On my worst days, I wonder why I'm even a Christian. From my experience being involved in the lives of other people, this is not an uncommon problem.
That's why it's so important to me to keep writing. When things are good, it is important for me to look back and see what has happened when I did know why I was doing things the way I was doing things. Most people call this "journaling." I call it "blogging" because I am "compelled to share things with the world."
The good parts: I don't have to fear repercussions, because a life lived unto God doesn't include me doing things to get into trouble for. Fear doesn't affect me in general, because God is in control and he won't let my life crash. Shame doesn't affect me, because anything I've done is forgiven and finished. My guilt is gone, because I am called to make things right with all those I've hurt. Death doesn't scare me (although I'd prefer to stay here and live for God for as long as I can) and life excites me (it is a grand adventure and I am a happy wanderer). I am continually filled with people who love me, for I love people. I fear no loneliness in general, because God is there even when people (even when Christians) reject me.
I have purpose. I have direction. I have no need to obsessively plan my future, my romances, my jobs, my family, anything. God will provide.
Yes, this world gets hard. But God has overcome the world. I can rest in that.
I have always resented what seem to be incredibly sappy declarations of faith. Reading over my little list, I am pretty much what I resented. I am okay with that - because I feel alive. If it takes looking ridiculous and goofy on paper to live, I'll do it. Because it's real.
woo God. I encourage you to declare. If you have nothing to declare, I encourage you to find God; then you'll have something to declare.
That's why it's so important to me to keep writing. When things are good, it is important for me to look back and see what has happened when I did know why I was doing things the way I was doing things. Most people call this "journaling." I call it "blogging" because I am "compelled to share things with the world."
The good parts: I don't have to fear repercussions, because a life lived unto God doesn't include me doing things to get into trouble for. Fear doesn't affect me in general, because God is in control and he won't let my life crash. Shame doesn't affect me, because anything I've done is forgiven and finished. My guilt is gone, because I am called to make things right with all those I've hurt. Death doesn't scare me (although I'd prefer to stay here and live for God for as long as I can) and life excites me (it is a grand adventure and I am a happy wanderer). I am continually filled with people who love me, for I love people. I fear no loneliness in general, because God is there even when people (even when Christians) reject me.
I have purpose. I have direction. I have no need to obsessively plan my future, my romances, my jobs, my family, anything. God will provide.
Yes, this world gets hard. But God has overcome the world. I can rest in that.
I have always resented what seem to be incredibly sappy declarations of faith. Reading over my little list, I am pretty much what I resented. I am okay with that - because I feel alive. If it takes looking ridiculous and goofy on paper to live, I'll do it. Because it's real.
woo God. I encourage you to declare. If you have nothing to declare, I encourage you to find God; then you'll have something to declare.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We are in a long-distance relationship with the future.
I'm reading "The Sacred Romance" right now. It's all about how God wants to be intimately acquainted with us a lover, and how Satan wants to keep us from realizing that.
Eldredge talks about how Satan speaks to us through thoughts that we think are of ourselves. I read that and thought to myself, "I can usually determine what's from God and what's a lie... I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area."
I immediately switched over to a train of thought about an issue in my life that I think very negatively about. I've always thought very negatively about long-distance relationships, and I just don't like the thought of being in one. I've told myself before that I'll know that God wants me to be in a relationship when the right girl comes along who has all these characteristics and lives near me. If a girl doesn't have all these characteristics and/or doesn't live near me, it must not be of God if I find myself liking a person, so thought I. It must be a distraction from Satan that I have to kill.
But wait. Don't I serve the God who created the universe? Don't I serve the one who not only moves the pieces, but made the pieces? I doubt that God can do anything? What am I thinking?
Well, it's not me thinking - it's me believing what Satan is trying to speak into my life. Do I think that long distance relationships are the best thing ever? No. But swearing them off altogether because I don't believe that God can make them succeed? That's a different thing altogether. It's fear. Perfect love casts out fear, and God has perfect love for me.
I get so fearful because I imagine so far into the future in all my endeavors. I feel somewhat irresponsible if I don't have my future planned out, but I feel fearful once I plan it all out and see that there's so much there and so much to do and so much to be and so much and so much and SO MUCH.
I need to rest in the day. I am not at that point. I need to rest in the week, the month, the semester. I do not need to worry about the rest of my life. God has that all planned, and I will find that as he unveils it. He has unveiled so much this summer that I did not know and could not have imagined. It will be like this for the rest of my life if I keep following him. I need to rest in this.
I am not ready to rest in the day. But I am ready to rest in the semester. That is better than what I've been doing. At age 18 I had my life planned out till I was 40. I'm not even kidding - someone wrote an article on me as proof. It was in the paper. But it was so incredibly fearful.
So I am letting God be in control of my days. Is it a bit uncomfortable not knowing what's coming? Yes. But it is the way God wants it to be, and it takes away a lot of fear that I am responsible for making my future work. I am not responsible. I am called to follow in the steps that are laid out for me. And I will do it.
No matter what God calls me to.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Intimacy
I crave intimacy. This has been a general theme of my life up until this point. I'm only realizing that now, but when I apply that sentence to the various stages and conditions of my life, it applies. I do the things I do because I crave intimacy.
I want it in every sense of the word. I want to know and be known. I want to share my deepest feelings with someone. I want to comfort and be comforted. I want to hold and be held. I desire emotional and physical intimacy very deeply. I feel incomplete when the yearning strikes me strongest.
Sometimes it hits me when I see a couple who clearly love God and love each other. Sometimes I feel it in especially poignant scenes in movies (Garden State has several scenes that just level me emotionally). Sometimes it'll be something especially beautiful in nature, or in drawn/painted art. The best spiritual talks always do.
But it is music that causes me to yearn the most. I sometimes yearn for the intimacy of being in a band again. There's something unspeakably joyful to me about four guys all giving their all to bring something new into the world. They have to know each other or the songs don't turn out right - they have to be intimate or the magic doesn't happen. I miss playing "We're Going Down" with TL. I miss playing "Drowning Isn't Hard." I miss jamming most of all - the spontaneous outworkings of knowing each other's playing styles intimately. Jams don't work if you don't have intimacy between the band members.
I feel it when I listen to music. "Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call has been a big one for this lately. It starts off like this:
"Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes/talking bout soccer and how every man's just the same./Made speculations about the whos and the whens of our future/how everyone's lonely, but still, we just couldn't complain."
It goes on to outline the basic problem that I have now: a longing for physical intimacy with a woman that is overtaking the desire to do what the narrator knows is right (have faith in God). "Oh, and I just hate being alone," Derek Webb calmly displays. But he comes back with "But I forget whose house I live in."
I often forget that I live in God's house. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't actually lived in the house of God, or that I've just been visiting his goodness. But mostly I just forget that I live there because I don't take the time to explore it. I'm like a man who lives in a mansion and stays in one room, looking out a window and longing to go outside. If I would just embrace the mansion and its joys, which include all of the joys of "outside" and more!
But I don't go, because I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown, I am afraid of the new, I am afraid of letting things go.
So instead of pouring into this relationship with God, so I can get the intimacy I crave, I long for a relationship with a woman. It's not a bad longing - God created it in me. But it has overtaken my desire to explore God.
This is where my last four or five years come in. I have exchanged the wonder, work and pain of getting to know God more for the wonder, work and pain of male/female relationships. In my mind, chasing after girls (even Godly girls) was much easier and required much less of me than getting to know God.
That is not true. Getting to know God is infinitely easier than getting to know a girl because of this fact: God already knows everything about me. God already loves me. God always, always, always wants what is best for me. I don't have to worry about what God is feeling towards me. He loves me.
This is not always true of a girl. I spent a lot of time trying to 'win girls over to my side' and 'store up good tidings' and all that. I needed a defense against bad moods and unexpected traumas. If life were fair, those things would have worked. But inevitably (because we all are fallen), the good tidings I had stored up would evaporate in the face of someone's pain and suffering. It's the human response. I did it to the girls I dated. I'm not singling myself out as a victim here, other than a victim of my own selfishness.
And so I chased after girls because I could have intimacy with them. I neglected to have intimacy with God, but at that point in my life I was down with that.
Now I am not okay with that. I desire intimacy with God because he is the only one who will remain constant, even through death of those I love and finally me.
The problem is that the desire for physical intimacy that I cultivated with my first three relationships is making it difficult to grasp the concept of intimacy with God. I 'fixed' my yearning for intimacy by making out with girls. I made it go away, and that was what I wanted it to do. It was a good short-term plan. I used it copiously as a short-term plan. I wish I had foresight, but my foresight was hindered by visions of the relationship's future (who ponders post-relationship heart status while in a relationship?, I thought).
Now the long-term is here, and I am feeling the consequences of my selfishness. I miss physical intimacy quite badly, and even more than that, it is getting in the way of me knowing God. I have the yearning knocking on the door of my heart stronger than ever, and I want to turn to God to fill it - he is the one knocking. But my sinful nature (sinful heart), equates the longing with cuddling, hugging, kissing hand-holding and all that. So the more I long for God, the stronger my longing gets to be with a girl.
It's hard to understand intimacy with God in the first place, but when it's all mucked up with a desire for physical intimacy as a consequence of prior selfish choices, it gets very, very hard.
I find that swaying in a hammock is one of the most comforting things to me as of late. It feels like God is rocking me back and forth. It is an awe-inspiring feeling, even if it is only in my head, that God would have physical intimacy with me.
There's a verse somewhere that says God's followers will worship in spirit and in truth. We worship in spirit because God is spirit. I have to be intimate in spirit with him because he is spirit. And it is unfortunate that I made the decisions I did, that have caused me all this trouble. But it is just another thing for God to conquer on the road of my life.
So I struggle to know what "intimacy with God" looks like, feels like, is like. I'm trying to separate it from my ideas and desires for "intimacy with my wife." I am training myself to go to scripture when I crave intimacy; but it is still a truth that I want to cuddle more than I want to run to scripture when I feel the yearning in "Shadow Proves the Sunshine" by Switchfoot.
"Two scared little runaways/hold fast to the break of daylight/The shadow proves the sunshine/The shadow proves the sunshine."
God is always the final word. May you and I both know it as we search for intimacy with God.
The good thing is that I am already known.
I want it in every sense of the word. I want to know and be known. I want to share my deepest feelings with someone. I want to comfort and be comforted. I want to hold and be held. I desire emotional and physical intimacy very deeply. I feel incomplete when the yearning strikes me strongest.
Sometimes it hits me when I see a couple who clearly love God and love each other. Sometimes I feel it in especially poignant scenes in movies (Garden State has several scenes that just level me emotionally). Sometimes it'll be something especially beautiful in nature, or in drawn/painted art. The best spiritual talks always do.
But it is music that causes me to yearn the most. I sometimes yearn for the intimacy of being in a band again. There's something unspeakably joyful to me about four guys all giving their all to bring something new into the world. They have to know each other or the songs don't turn out right - they have to be intimate or the magic doesn't happen. I miss playing "We're Going Down" with TL. I miss playing "Drowning Isn't Hard." I miss jamming most of all - the spontaneous outworkings of knowing each other's playing styles intimately. Jams don't work if you don't have intimacy between the band members.
I feel it when I listen to music. "Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call has been a big one for this lately. It starts off like this:
"Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes/talking bout soccer and how every man's just the same./Made speculations about the whos and the whens of our future/how everyone's lonely, but still, we just couldn't complain."
It goes on to outline the basic problem that I have now: a longing for physical intimacy with a woman that is overtaking the desire to do what the narrator knows is right (have faith in God). "Oh, and I just hate being alone," Derek Webb calmly displays. But he comes back with "But I forget whose house I live in."
I often forget that I live in God's house. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't actually lived in the house of God, or that I've just been visiting his goodness. But mostly I just forget that I live there because I don't take the time to explore it. I'm like a man who lives in a mansion and stays in one room, looking out a window and longing to go outside. If I would just embrace the mansion and its joys, which include all of the joys of "outside" and more!
But I don't go, because I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown, I am afraid of the new, I am afraid of letting things go.
So instead of pouring into this relationship with God, so I can get the intimacy I crave, I long for a relationship with a woman. It's not a bad longing - God created it in me. But it has overtaken my desire to explore God.
This is where my last four or five years come in. I have exchanged the wonder, work and pain of getting to know God more for the wonder, work and pain of male/female relationships. In my mind, chasing after girls (even Godly girls) was much easier and required much less of me than getting to know God.
That is not true. Getting to know God is infinitely easier than getting to know a girl because of this fact: God already knows everything about me. God already loves me. God always, always, always wants what is best for me. I don't have to worry about what God is feeling towards me. He loves me.
This is not always true of a girl. I spent a lot of time trying to 'win girls over to my side' and 'store up good tidings' and all that. I needed a defense against bad moods and unexpected traumas. If life were fair, those things would have worked. But inevitably (because we all are fallen), the good tidings I had stored up would evaporate in the face of someone's pain and suffering. It's the human response. I did it to the girls I dated. I'm not singling myself out as a victim here, other than a victim of my own selfishness.
And so I chased after girls because I could have intimacy with them. I neglected to have intimacy with God, but at that point in my life I was down with that.
Now I am not okay with that. I desire intimacy with God because he is the only one who will remain constant, even through death of those I love and finally me.
The problem is that the desire for physical intimacy that I cultivated with my first three relationships is making it difficult to grasp the concept of intimacy with God. I 'fixed' my yearning for intimacy by making out with girls. I made it go away, and that was what I wanted it to do. It was a good short-term plan. I used it copiously as a short-term plan. I wish I had foresight, but my foresight was hindered by visions of the relationship's future (who ponders post-relationship heart status while in a relationship?, I thought).
Now the long-term is here, and I am feeling the consequences of my selfishness. I miss physical intimacy quite badly, and even more than that, it is getting in the way of me knowing God. I have the yearning knocking on the door of my heart stronger than ever, and I want to turn to God to fill it - he is the one knocking. But my sinful nature (sinful heart), equates the longing with cuddling, hugging, kissing hand-holding and all that. So the more I long for God, the stronger my longing gets to be with a girl.
It's hard to understand intimacy with God in the first place, but when it's all mucked up with a desire for physical intimacy as a consequence of prior selfish choices, it gets very, very hard.
I find that swaying in a hammock is one of the most comforting things to me as of late. It feels like God is rocking me back and forth. It is an awe-inspiring feeling, even if it is only in my head, that God would have physical intimacy with me.
There's a verse somewhere that says God's followers will worship in spirit and in truth. We worship in spirit because God is spirit. I have to be intimate in spirit with him because he is spirit. And it is unfortunate that I made the decisions I did, that have caused me all this trouble. But it is just another thing for God to conquer on the road of my life.
So I struggle to know what "intimacy with God" looks like, feels like, is like. I'm trying to separate it from my ideas and desires for "intimacy with my wife." I am training myself to go to scripture when I crave intimacy; but it is still a truth that I want to cuddle more than I want to run to scripture when I feel the yearning in "Shadow Proves the Sunshine" by Switchfoot.
"Two scared little runaways/hold fast to the break of daylight/The shadow proves the sunshine/The shadow proves the sunshine."
God is always the final word. May you and I both know it as we search for intimacy with God.
The good thing is that I am already known.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Wheelchair Fistfights
So I had to move a wheelchair from the chapel to the down under, which is about a minute-long walk downhill. So, since you don't often get to use a wheelchair, I decided to roll in the wheelchair the entire way.
Conclusion: Never get in a fistfight with a man in a wheelchair. His arms are probably way stronger than yours. No kidding.
Conclusion: Never get in a fistfight with a man in a wheelchair. His arms are probably way stronger than yours. No kidding.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Why I like: Mismatches
They were playing Keyhole Tag to "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens today. I'm not sure how a gently rolling folk symphony about a roadtrip full of emotive confessions is a soundtrack to violent and hotly contested cabin battles, but somehow it happened.
I laughed out loud, and loved the fact that life happens that way. It made the game seem more epic, in a way.
I laughed out loud, and loved the fact that life happens that way. It made the game seem more epic, in a way.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
God and his plans
So I was bummed that I didn't have any way cool plans for this free evening.
So I bummed around, and this is what God decided to accomplish:
1. I talked to one of my best friends for an hour unexpectedly.
2. I introduced someone to an internship opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had, and got to talk God with them.
3. I got to leave messages for many of my friends on their phones.
4. I asked the cashier at Wal-mart if I could pray for her. God amazed even myself on that one.
So basically, God took an evening that I thought was going to be blah and made it pretty incredible. I love it. God is awesome.
So I bummed around, and this is what God decided to accomplish:
1. I talked to one of my best friends for an hour unexpectedly.
2. I introduced someone to an internship opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had, and got to talk God with them.
3. I got to leave messages for many of my friends on their phones.
4. I asked the cashier at Wal-mart if I could pray for her. God amazed even myself on that one.
So basically, God took an evening that I thought was going to be blah and made it pretty incredible. I love it. God is awesome.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Love
So I'm processing the concept of love.
Love is a series of choices. It can be driven by emotion, even driven by passion, but in the end it's not any of those. It's a decision to do what's best for whatever/whomever you love, regardless of whether you want to or not. Love is unselfishness.
I am not ready to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I have too much that I want to do to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I don't find it especially sinful that I have desires that I want; I think it would be sinful to chase after a relationship while knowing that I am not ready to be unselfish. It's like trying to commission an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar when I don't even play guitar yet.
To extend the metaphor, the only way that buying an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar is a good idea is if you spend your time getting really good at guitar. The only way that seeking a relationship would be good for me is if I had done the preparations for a relationship. I need to be unselfish, which comes of having a deeper relationship with God. Having a deep relationship with God is the ultimate essential for having a solid earthly relationship/marriage.
And it's hard to get that through my head. It's hard to focus on God, not as a way to get a relationship, but as the end result. It's hard for me to say "I am focusing on God, and if he never gives me a relationship/marriage, I will be fulfilled in the fact that I know Jesus Christ." That's where Jesus wants me to be.
That's definitely not where I am right now. If I say that's where I am, I'm simply lying. I love God, yes, but I am not to the point where I love God so much that it transcends my desire for an earthly relationship. I pray that someday it will.
But with the revelation that love is all about choices, my love of God is thrown into a different light. I have been choosing to do the right thing all along; the only thing that makes my new self different is that I do it because I want to bring glory to God. It's basically adding the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do. "Because I love God, I sweep the chapel." "Because I love God, I honor my parents." "Because I love God, I run a music magazine."
The problem arises in that some of the things I do, I do not do because I love God. By purposefully choosing to add the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do, I realize that some of the things I do, while not necessarily bad, are not done because I love God. In simpler terms, I do them because I am selfish, and not because I love God.
This has caused me to evaluate the things I do.
Even deeper than that, knowing that love is a choice means that me loving God is a choice to do things to honor him or not. Nothing is explicitly secular or Christian - it's how we choose to do things that matters. Who I give honor to when I am complemented is an issue. Who am I glorying in? Am I proud that I was able to accomplish that? Am I giving glory to God, who gave me the ability to do anything and everything?
...this one's not done. I'm tired and need sleep. I have a lot more to think on this subject. But there's good here.
Love is a series of choices. It can be driven by emotion, even driven by passion, but in the end it's not any of those. It's a decision to do what's best for whatever/whomever you love, regardless of whether you want to or not. Love is unselfishness.
I am not ready to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I have too much that I want to do to be unselfish enough to be in a relationship. I don't find it especially sinful that I have desires that I want; I think it would be sinful to chase after a relationship while knowing that I am not ready to be unselfish. It's like trying to commission an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar when I don't even play guitar yet.
To extend the metaphor, the only way that buying an extremely expensive, custom-made guitar is a good idea is if you spend your time getting really good at guitar. The only way that seeking a relationship would be good for me is if I had done the preparations for a relationship. I need to be unselfish, which comes of having a deeper relationship with God. Having a deep relationship with God is the ultimate essential for having a solid earthly relationship/marriage.
And it's hard to get that through my head. It's hard to focus on God, not as a way to get a relationship, but as the end result. It's hard for me to say "I am focusing on God, and if he never gives me a relationship/marriage, I will be fulfilled in the fact that I know Jesus Christ." That's where Jesus wants me to be.
That's definitely not where I am right now. If I say that's where I am, I'm simply lying. I love God, yes, but I am not to the point where I love God so much that it transcends my desire for an earthly relationship. I pray that someday it will.
But with the revelation that love is all about choices, my love of God is thrown into a different light. I have been choosing to do the right thing all along; the only thing that makes my new self different is that I do it because I want to bring glory to God. It's basically adding the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do. "Because I love God, I sweep the chapel." "Because I love God, I honor my parents." "Because I love God, I run a music magazine."
The problem arises in that some of the things I do, I do not do because I love God. By purposefully choosing to add the phrase "Because I love God" in front of all the things I do, I realize that some of the things I do, while not necessarily bad, are not done because I love God. In simpler terms, I do them because I am selfish, and not because I love God.
This has caused me to evaluate the things I do.
Even deeper than that, knowing that love is a choice means that me loving God is a choice to do things to honor him or not. Nothing is explicitly secular or Christian - it's how we choose to do things that matters. Who I give honor to when I am complemented is an issue. Who am I glorying in? Am I proud that I was able to accomplish that? Am I giving glory to God, who gave me the ability to do anything and everything?
...this one's not done. I'm tired and need sleep. I have a lot more to think on this subject. But there's good here.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Why I like: Judges
So I just finished reading Judges, and I have one overlying thought. Here it is:
Honestly, what is Samson doing in Hebrews 11?
He would not be counted in my heroes of the faith, had I such a list. His life was brutal, ugly, and chock full of missed opportunities and sinful dalliances with foreign women. And yet, he's in there with Gideon and Jepththah and Barak, who all did mostly good things. I don't get it.
It's not that Samson didn't do good things. It's just that he did mostly bad things, as recorded by the author of Judges, at least. I would have rather put Daniel in there. He makes more sense to me.
To me, putting Samson in there is almost as bad as if the author of Hebrews had put Jonah in there. Not quite as bad, but still.
On the up side, it makes me feel better about my life. If Samson, with all his chaotic, sin-riddled life could still please God with his faith, how much more can I please God with faith?
It just seems to me that if you have faith, you would do good things. Because I usually feel more prone to doing good things in the right motivation when I have faith that God is going to do what he says he will do. I guess that Samson's faith and Samson's actions were somehow separate.
Or, alternately, how much more great would Samson's actions have been if his faith was stronger?
The mind boggles.
Honestly, what is Samson doing in Hebrews 11?
He would not be counted in my heroes of the faith, had I such a list. His life was brutal, ugly, and chock full of missed opportunities and sinful dalliances with foreign women. And yet, he's in there with Gideon and Jepththah and Barak, who all did mostly good things. I don't get it.
It's not that Samson didn't do good things. It's just that he did mostly bad things, as recorded by the author of Judges, at least. I would have rather put Daniel in there. He makes more sense to me.
To me, putting Samson in there is almost as bad as if the author of Hebrews had put Jonah in there. Not quite as bad, but still.
On the up side, it makes me feel better about my life. If Samson, with all his chaotic, sin-riddled life could still please God with his faith, how much more can I please God with faith?
It just seems to me that if you have faith, you would do good things. Because I usually feel more prone to doing good things in the right motivation when I have faith that God is going to do what he says he will do. I guess that Samson's faith and Samson's actions were somehow separate.
Or, alternately, how much more great would Samson's actions have been if his faith was stronger?
The mind boggles.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Why I like: Isaiah
I am surprised that God likes people. As a lot, we're a pretty unimpressive bunch. We doubt a lot. We try to get out of hard things. We generally don't do very well at the things we are called to do because we are distracted a lot of the time.
Even the great followers of God were pretty bad at the whole thing. Moses tries every excuse in the book to get out of being a leader (he goes on to be the greatest leader of Israel ever, in case you hadn't heard). Gideon asks for THREE supernatural signs before he'll agree to do what God asks (he goes on to be one of the greatest Judges of Israel ever, in case you don't know the ending). Jeremiah says he's young (he lives a life of dedication to God). Even the great prophet Elijah, whom people confused Jesus for, told God that he was exhausted and sick of the ministry. The same man who was one of two men to never die, one of two men to appear with Jesus at the Transfiguration, says to Almighty God: "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (I Kings 19:4)
I think I am justified when I say we are pretty terrible at this following thing. I haven't even discussed the colossal failures of Samson, Jepththah, Jacob and more. Even Peter denied Christ three times publicly. He went on to lead the entire church.
Yet, there are some who just get it. Isaiah is one of them.
Granted, Isaiah also gets to be in the throne room of God while he is being called. But still - he sees God, hears the call of "Who will go for us?" and he says "ME! I'm going!" He doesn't even ponder.
He does, however, wonder how long it will take, and God tells him, in no uncertain terms, that it will be a very long time, possibly forever. Also, he will be rejected and denied for all of his life.
What does Isaiah do? Goes and does it.
That's incredible. He knows he will be rejected, but he goes anyway, because it is what God has called him to do.
I want that kind of faith. I know it is something that grows, and I know it's a painful process. I know. But I'm past the point where I'm preserving myself from pain for the mere fact that it's my life and I don't want pain. I want to know God and trust him. That is where the real stuff is at.
And I know I'm just setting myself up for rough times. But God will bring me through. I am confident of that. I'm still here, aren't I?
Even the great followers of God were pretty bad at the whole thing. Moses tries every excuse in the book to get out of being a leader (he goes on to be the greatest leader of Israel ever, in case you hadn't heard). Gideon asks for THREE supernatural signs before he'll agree to do what God asks (he goes on to be one of the greatest Judges of Israel ever, in case you don't know the ending). Jeremiah says he's young (he lives a life of dedication to God). Even the great prophet Elijah, whom people confused Jesus for, told God that he was exhausted and sick of the ministry. The same man who was one of two men to never die, one of two men to appear with Jesus at the Transfiguration, says to Almighty God: "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (I Kings 19:4)
I think I am justified when I say we are pretty terrible at this following thing. I haven't even discussed the colossal failures of Samson, Jepththah, Jacob and more. Even Peter denied Christ three times publicly. He went on to lead the entire church.
Yet, there are some who just get it. Isaiah is one of them.
Granted, Isaiah also gets to be in the throne room of God while he is being called. But still - he sees God, hears the call of "Who will go for us?" and he says "ME! I'm going!" He doesn't even ponder.
He does, however, wonder how long it will take, and God tells him, in no uncertain terms, that it will be a very long time, possibly forever. Also, he will be rejected and denied for all of his life.
What does Isaiah do? Goes and does it.
That's incredible. He knows he will be rejected, but he goes anyway, because it is what God has called him to do.
I want that kind of faith. I know it is something that grows, and I know it's a painful process. I know. But I'm past the point where I'm preserving myself from pain for the mere fact that it's my life and I don't want pain. I want to know God and trust him. That is where the real stuff is at.
And I know I'm just setting myself up for rough times. But God will bring me through. I am confident of that. I'm still here, aren't I?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Why I like: Confronting Sin
So I'm realizing that jealousy is a problem for me. It's not that I have jealous eyes; I don't envy other people's stuff. I have a jealous spirit. I envy other people in total.
A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.
I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.
But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.
I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.
Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.
But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.
Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.
I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.
But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.
The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"
And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""
What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.
In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.
Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.
Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.
I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.
Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.
May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.
A lot of the discontent I've felt over the past year has to do with things that I do not have in comparison to what other people have. Primarily, I envy other people's relationships. I have yearned for a relationship for a very long time, and each passing month reminds me how long it's been since I've had that sort of closeness.
I know a great many reasons why I shouldn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife right now. I have a small glimpse as to what God is doing in my life that wouldn't be accomplished if I had a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. I know that God does have a wife for me, and that she is Godly, beautiful, humble, talented, passionate and clever. I know all these things.
But it does not abate the jealousy when I see two people who I know closely in a really happy relationship. It does not make the jealousy go away when I hear two people say "I love you" to each other. The jealousy is there when I say I love you and I know it's not "in that way." It just is.
I wrote it off as discontentment, and that was partially true. Jealousy is discontentment. But discontentment is a lot easier to resolve in my mind than jealousy. That's something you deal with in the first grade. That's not a real problem any more - we're grown ups.
Apparently I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.
But that's not the only thing that makes me jealous. And honestly, although it is a nearly constant deluge at this stage in the life (going to a wedding on Saturday, know of three couples who are getting engaged soon, know of more weddings I will attend, etc, etc), jealousy of relationships is the least of my worries when it comes to jealousy.
Even more than relationships and the intimacy (physical and emotional) that they entail, I envy people's lives. One of my best friends is in an amazing band. I wish I was in a band. I know people who are much more confident and effective evangelizers than I am. I wish I could reach tons of the lost for Jesus (as I write this, I pause; what am I getting myself into by committing that thought? But alas, it is thought and written already. Come what may, even if I have my hands in front of my face, cringing). I know people who are better A/v techs than I am, and honestly, I know people who are better writers too.
I am the best Stephen Carradini I know. But that's about all that I'm the best at. I'm average at an incredible amount of things, and it ticks me off. I wish I were someone else; a lot.
But what I am slowly realizing is that my ability to be a jack of all trades makes me very useful for ministry. No, I'm not the greatest whatever. But I am passable, and I work hard. I can do a lot of things, and that versatility is what God has blessed me with. I need to embrace my versatility and serviceability.
The thing that got me to realize this is Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Name" (I think it's number 18). In it, he talks about Peter and Jesus' final conversation, where Jesus tells Peter to lead the church. He notes that as soon as Jesus tells him, he looks to a different disciple and says "what about him?"
And I don't know if this is NIV or KJV or the RBV (rob bell version), but Rob Bell says that "Jesus said "What is that to you? You follow me.""
What is that to me? Why does that matter to me? I have my own path to follow, that God has given me. If I am willing to do what he asks, I am following. I don't have to envy those who are doing what I think are more important or more fulfilling things. I am doing exactly what God wants me to do right where I am. And if I be an a/v tech with all my heart and soul and mind and strength as an honor to God, I am being just as effective as the mass evangelizer or the rock star. Because I am doing what God wants how God wants it. And that is what being a Christian is. It's not necessarily evangelizing dozens of people. It's not necessarily writing songs, or going through hardships, or anything. It is glorifying God. If what God wants if for me to be a mass evangelist or a rock star, I had better do that without complaining. And if God has given me something to do, and I do it halfheartedly, with grumbling and complaining, because I thought there was something more important/cooler/more fun/better for me/better suited to my ministry style/that I want/that isn't being met/that I wish I could do for some reason, that's as if I didn't do it at all. Because it's not the way God wanted me to do it.
In short, my jealousy undercuts my faith. And so that big essay about faith that I wrote? It's short in comparison to my essay on jealousy. Because faithlessness isn't the root problem; jealousy is.
Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within" is the book that really got me to see how jealous I was. It struck me that Stanley labeled jealousy as a complex that has our internal monologue believing "God owes me." It's true - I had, though not in these words, been thinking that God owes me something better in return for the service I've done. I deserve things that I want, because I've served God.
Stanley also says that once you drag the sin out into the light, it dies pretty easily. Not only because you have to confront it, but because it looks pretty ridiculous in print. It's even more sad when I try to say it. I feel like I might get struck by lightning if I even say it aloud. It's ridiculous to say that God owes me anything.
I just wish he would give me more - after all, I still have desires. Not all of the desires are totally selfish, either. So I pray. And wait. It's easier, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do; it takes away a lot of the anxiety and disappointment in myself. But I still have desires for things.
Without my jealousy, I am free to put my faith in God. When I don't say, "God, I want those things that they have," but instead say "God, these are the desires you have put in me, please fulfill them," it feels a lot better. Because God put these desires in me to honor him with. I am fully convinced of that. So God does have a future for me that includes music, writing, a wife, a family, simplicity, serving, and joy. A quiet life. I want the quiet life that God tells us to have in 2 Thessalonians. I will pray earnestly for it, and not envy it.
May you find out what is in your soul that stops you from trusting God.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Why I like: Honesty
I find that I get better results on everything if I'm honest. I have found few exceptions to this rule. This is also aided by the fact that I do little that I feel the desire to lie about. Even so, things that I think will be awkward or painful to admit usually go pretty well when I'm gentle yet honest with people.
Woo honesty.
In a lighter note, I searched for pictures of Bob Barker online today, and I got to call it work.
What a job. I love it.
Woo honesty.
In a lighter note, I searched for pictures of Bob Barker online today, and I got to call it work.
What a job. I love it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Untitled things
So I want to write, but I feel like I have nothing to say. I'm working through a bunch of things in my head, but none are done enough to write down yet.
Camp is going well. That is all.
Camp is going well. That is all.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Why I like: Simplicity
So I'm reading a book called "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. Let me clarify the phrase "reading." I am forcing myself to read and comprehend "Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God" by J.I. Packer. For me, who has struggles with faith, reading a book about how God is completely sovereign and how it compels us to evangelize is kind've like a 3rd grader picking up Shakespeare and hoping to learn how to read English. It's several levels above me, but I want to learn, so I'm doing it.
It's hard.
One of the things that Packer discusses is the concept of antinomy: two ideas that are perfectly logical when held apart from each other, but seemingly contradictory when held next to each other. The two parts of the major antinomy he discusses are thus: God ordains our actions and Man is held responsible for his own actions. I haven't read through it yet, so I can't fully explain how it is reconciled.
That specific antinomy is not my point, though. The point is antinomies in the whole. There are so many antinomies that I cannot comprehend. I cannot begin to fathom how God loves the lost but also considers them objects of wrath until they believe in him. I cannot understand how God loves us the way we are but offers stern warnings for those who don't grow in their faith. I don't understand how there are so many warnings about falling away when other parts say that you can't lose salvation. They boggle my mind.
Many people are able to just accept these antinomies. Many people don't even wonder about them - their lives are antinomy-free. I, on the other hand, feel undercut by them. I feel like I can't effectively evangelize if I can't even figure out what my faith is about. I feel like I'm failing as a Christian because I'm not living up to the standards set out for me in the Bible (which are impossible). I feel like I'm not worth being listened to because I have these things that plague me.
I wish that it were as simple as it was explained to me: Believe that you're a sinner, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross for your sins, and that he rose from the dead to conquer sin. With that, you are forgiven.
It is a simple transaction: You take my sins and give me a new life. No one told me that after that comes the real work. The hard work of the soul in the new life, which is unfortunately stationed in the old world, is just that: hard. You do not get to have fire insurance. You don't get to sit back and say "woot, got Jesus in the bag. Good to go." It is more than that.
I want it to be simple again. I want to have a quiet life, like 1st Thessalonians 4:11 commands us to have. I don't want to go rocking the boat. I don't want to be the lifelong foreign missionary who goes through tremendous struggles and prison and war and famine. I want to live a simple, quiet life. For Jesus. Without fear, or man or of God. Right now I'm kinda terrified of both - I'm afraid that God is dissatisfied with my growth, and that men do not think I am a being a good steward. I am trying my hardest, but these fears plague me.
I love being calm. I like being loud very much, but I love being calm. Calm music, calm chair, calm life. I don't ask for much. I don't want much. I do want my fears gone, my life calm. I hope that those two aren't an antimony in themselves.
It's hard.
One of the things that Packer discusses is the concept of antinomy: two ideas that are perfectly logical when held apart from each other, but seemingly contradictory when held next to each other. The two parts of the major antinomy he discusses are thus: God ordains our actions and Man is held responsible for his own actions. I haven't read through it yet, so I can't fully explain how it is reconciled.
That specific antinomy is not my point, though. The point is antinomies in the whole. There are so many antinomies that I cannot comprehend. I cannot begin to fathom how God loves the lost but also considers them objects of wrath until they believe in him. I cannot understand how God loves us the way we are but offers stern warnings for those who don't grow in their faith. I don't understand how there are so many warnings about falling away when other parts say that you can't lose salvation. They boggle my mind.
Many people are able to just accept these antinomies. Many people don't even wonder about them - their lives are antinomy-free. I, on the other hand, feel undercut by them. I feel like I can't effectively evangelize if I can't even figure out what my faith is about. I feel like I'm failing as a Christian because I'm not living up to the standards set out for me in the Bible (which are impossible). I feel like I'm not worth being listened to because I have these things that plague me.
I wish that it were as simple as it was explained to me: Believe that you're a sinner, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross for your sins, and that he rose from the dead to conquer sin. With that, you are forgiven.
It is a simple transaction: You take my sins and give me a new life. No one told me that after that comes the real work. The hard work of the soul in the new life, which is unfortunately stationed in the old world, is just that: hard. You do not get to have fire insurance. You don't get to sit back and say "woot, got Jesus in the bag. Good to go." It is more than that.
I want it to be simple again. I want to have a quiet life, like 1st Thessalonians 4:11 commands us to have. I don't want to go rocking the boat. I don't want to be the lifelong foreign missionary who goes through tremendous struggles and prison and war and famine. I want to live a simple, quiet life. For Jesus. Without fear, or man or of God. Right now I'm kinda terrified of both - I'm afraid that God is dissatisfied with my growth, and that men do not think I am a being a good steward. I am trying my hardest, but these fears plague me.
I love being calm. I like being loud very much, but I love being calm. Calm music, calm chair, calm life. I don't ask for much. I don't want much. I do want my fears gone, my life calm. I hope that those two aren't an antimony in themselves.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Why I like: Staff Lounge Pizza
When I was a counselor in 2006, I ate a piece of pizza from the staff lounge refrigerator every day all summer.
Last summer there was no pizza in the fridge.
Today, there was pizza in the fridge again. I am beyond happy. It's a piece of my history and free meals wrapped into one.
Yay for nostalgia and stinginess!
Last summer there was no pizza in the fridge.
Today, there was pizza in the fridge again. I am beyond happy. It's a piece of my history and free meals wrapped into one.
Yay for nostalgia and stinginess!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Why I like: Mail
Good surprise is one of the greatest feelings I experience. When something good happens that I didn't expect, it's a thoroughly uplifting experience. Good mail is one of the best examples of good surprises. On top of just being a good surprise, it's a good surprise that means someone was thinking of you fondly. It's a double win.
I love getting mail.
I love getting mail.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Why I like: Reasons
When people do bad things, other people immediately want to know why they did it. Policemen search out the motives of the crime. In less severe circumstances, the phrase "Why would you do that?" is common. It's just a natural thing - when you do something out of line with the way things should be, the reason begs to be known.
It's much more difficult to get someone to say "Why would you do that?" over something good. The reasons behind good things are just not as interesting as the reasons behind bad things. I am well aware that I do many of the things I do for reasons other than people think. I treat certain people certain ways because it will make life easier for them (or me, or both). I work to please those in authority, but also to avoid being in trouble. I write what a professor wants to hear so I can get the grade I want. I am doing good things - but I don't always do them for the purpose of being good. And no one asks, because as long as good happens for people, they are not inquisitive as to why (most of the time).
But to God, the reasons behind good things are more important than the reasons behind bad things. He already knows why I do bad things - my sin nature compels me (before I met Jesus) or entices me (after I met Jesus). It's simple.
But God wants me to do good because I love him. He doesn't want me to do good so that I get the things he has promised. He is not fooled by that trick. That is hard for me. I assume that since I am reading the Bible, doing what it says, and persevering that I should get what I want. That whole Psalm 37:4 thing? ("Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart") It doesn't read "Do stuff in the name of the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Jesus harshly dismissed the idea that you could merely do things in the name of Jesus and get rewarded for it in Matthew 7:
22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' (thanks, Biblegateway.com)
I am overwhelmed. The only thing that matters is how our spirit relates to God. Everything else will fall into line after that. I can't believe how incredibly simple it sounds compared to how incredibly complicated it is. My spirit is who I am. Changing who I am is really what I just said was necessary. And it is necessary. But when you think about the practical outworkings of changing who you are, it's mindboggling. Changing what you do with your time. Changing what you say when you're with people. Changing what you watch. Changing what you listen to. Changing what you read. Changing what you think. Changing.
In short, the reasons matter. I don't know how to change the reasons I do things. They've been pretty set for a while. I want to love Jesus, really love him - but I don't know how. I know you have to take it a step at a time, but that first step is confusing.
I just took it, though. I think.
It's much more difficult to get someone to say "Why would you do that?" over something good. The reasons behind good things are just not as interesting as the reasons behind bad things. I am well aware that I do many of the things I do for reasons other than people think. I treat certain people certain ways because it will make life easier for them (or me, or both). I work to please those in authority, but also to avoid being in trouble. I write what a professor wants to hear so I can get the grade I want. I am doing good things - but I don't always do them for the purpose of being good. And no one asks, because as long as good happens for people, they are not inquisitive as to why (most of the time).
But to God, the reasons behind good things are more important than the reasons behind bad things. He already knows why I do bad things - my sin nature compels me (before I met Jesus) or entices me (after I met Jesus). It's simple.
But God wants me to do good because I love him. He doesn't want me to do good so that I get the things he has promised. He is not fooled by that trick. That is hard for me. I assume that since I am reading the Bible, doing what it says, and persevering that I should get what I want. That whole Psalm 37:4 thing? ("Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart") It doesn't read "Do stuff in the name of the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Jesus harshly dismissed the idea that you could merely do things in the name of Jesus and get rewarded for it in Matthew 7:
22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' (thanks, Biblegateway.com)
I am overwhelmed. The only thing that matters is how our spirit relates to God. Everything else will fall into line after that. I can't believe how incredibly simple it sounds compared to how incredibly complicated it is. My spirit is who I am. Changing who I am is really what I just said was necessary. And it is necessary. But when you think about the practical outworkings of changing who you are, it's mindboggling. Changing what you do with your time. Changing what you say when you're with people. Changing what you watch. Changing what you listen to. Changing what you read. Changing what you think. Changing.
In short, the reasons matter. I don't know how to change the reasons I do things. They've been pretty set for a while. I want to love Jesus, really love him - but I don't know how. I know you have to take it a step at a time, but that first step is confusing.
I just took it, though. I think.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Why I like: Magic Eight Balls
The hardest thing that I struggle with in the Christian walk is faith itself. It's often hard for me to see the point in waiting on God to do something when he continually does not do it. It would make more sense to me to just rush out and do it myself. I know that this selfish approach to things is a bad idea; I have experience to back it up. But it's still enticing when I see my hopes for something (anything) dashed repeatedly.
It's almost humorous, because faith is more than central to Christianity - it's synonomous with it. I've heard people say that Christians are "of the faith," seen people describe their religiosity as "their faith," and call evangelism "sharing my faith." Admitting that I struggle with believing that God will actually do what he says he will do is kind've like saying I'm in the Icecapades but I don't believe that ice skating is safe.
And yet, it's the truth. I have no trouble believing that Christ is who he says he is, coping with the fact that there is evil in the world, or admitting that some go to heaven and many go to hell. I sleep just fine on those - he said it in the Bible, so it's true. I'm down with that.
But the problem of reality, of the outworkings of God's promises? That keeps me up at night. I want God's promises. I want them to come true. I want the desires of my heart. God promises those. I want to be wise. God promises that. I want comfort in knowing Christ. God promises that. I want peace. God promises that.
God's not a magic eight ball, though. I can't just shake God and get an answer out of him. God knows what he's doing. I just wish I could sit back and be okay with that. Being comfortable with not trying to make things happen is just plain hard. Where's the line between giving things to God and plain laziness? Where's the line between caution and distrust? Where does it go from God-honoring to selfish?
All these things plague me. These emotions well up because the promises of God are slow coming trains.
Even more than that, it's hard for me to relate to God. I love physical touch, planning, and efficient problem solving. God is not a God of who reaches out and hugs me or reveals his plans. He solves problems in his own time, which is often not what I consider a timely or efficient manner. I am thankful when he solves them, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that says "well, everything works itself out in time - with or without God."
I have to continually tell myself that the thought is just not true. I think that is as deep as my faith runs right now - to willfully choose God's explantion instead of choosing my explanation. It doesn't make any human sense to choose God's explanation, but he never said it would make human sense.
I always have thought that was kind of a cop-out for religious people - it's not supposed to make sense, it's a thing of God. I just feel unsatisfied with that answer. But in the end, faith is believing that it is true. That's faith to me - choosing to believe that God is real and working even though it's hard. I have seen effects in the past. I know that he works. But waiting on direction, and a wife, and a life is hard stuff.
hard stuff.
note: this is not to say that camp is going poorly, or that my walk is suffering. On the contrary, they are going incredibly well. It is just that I finally have time to sit down and process all these things that have been going through my head since last August, and not all of them are "pretty." I am not falling away while I am at a Christian camp (irony of ironies). I am just being honest about what's going on. That's how I roll.
It's almost humorous, because faith is more than central to Christianity - it's synonomous with it. I've heard people say that Christians are "of the faith," seen people describe their religiosity as "their faith," and call evangelism "sharing my faith." Admitting that I struggle with believing that God will actually do what he says he will do is kind've like saying I'm in the Icecapades but I don't believe that ice skating is safe.
And yet, it's the truth. I have no trouble believing that Christ is who he says he is, coping with the fact that there is evil in the world, or admitting that some go to heaven and many go to hell. I sleep just fine on those - he said it in the Bible, so it's true. I'm down with that.
But the problem of reality, of the outworkings of God's promises? That keeps me up at night. I want God's promises. I want them to come true. I want the desires of my heart. God promises those. I want to be wise. God promises that. I want comfort in knowing Christ. God promises that. I want peace. God promises that.
God's not a magic eight ball, though. I can't just shake God and get an answer out of him. God knows what he's doing. I just wish I could sit back and be okay with that. Being comfortable with not trying to make things happen is just plain hard. Where's the line between giving things to God and plain laziness? Where's the line between caution and distrust? Where does it go from God-honoring to selfish?
All these things plague me. These emotions well up because the promises of God are slow coming trains.
Even more than that, it's hard for me to relate to God. I love physical touch, planning, and efficient problem solving. God is not a God of who reaches out and hugs me or reveals his plans. He solves problems in his own time, which is often not what I consider a timely or efficient manner. I am thankful when he solves them, but there's always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that says "well, everything works itself out in time - with or without God."
I have to continually tell myself that the thought is just not true. I think that is as deep as my faith runs right now - to willfully choose God's explantion instead of choosing my explanation. It doesn't make any human sense to choose God's explanation, but he never said it would make human sense.
I always have thought that was kind of a cop-out for religious people - it's not supposed to make sense, it's a thing of God. I just feel unsatisfied with that answer. But in the end, faith is believing that it is true. That's faith to me - choosing to believe that God is real and working even though it's hard. I have seen effects in the past. I know that he works. But waiting on direction, and a wife, and a life is hard stuff.
hard stuff.
note: this is not to say that camp is going poorly, or that my walk is suffering. On the contrary, they are going incredibly well. It is just that I finally have time to sit down and process all these things that have been going through my head since last August, and not all of them are "pretty." I am not falling away while I am at a Christian camp (irony of ironies). I am just being honest about what's going on. That's how I roll.
Why I like: Being the Driver
When you get lost and end up 40 miles out of the way, it's not primarily the driver's fault. It's mostly the navigator's.
Related: Fort Smith is south of Fayetteville....now I know.
Related: Fort Smith is south of Fayetteville....now I know.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Why I like: Punk Rawk Show by MxPx
Every week after MCP Live, I and another air guitar furiously to "Punk Rawk Show" by MxPx. It is one of my favorite times in life. There's nothing like singing along to punk rawk at deafening volumes while air guitaring with your friends. Nothing.
I will do it until I die. I am not kidding. I will be that Dad embarrassing his kids, and then that Father-in-law embarrassing the other side of the family, and then that old Grandpa still air guitaring. Because after that whole age 30 to age 60 gap, living life becomes really cool again. In the middle people get embarrassed if you do things like air guitar or go to clubs. But once you're like 60, everyone's like "Yeah! He's awesome. He still air guitars, even though he's 71 years old."
I am going to be that guy, and it will still be "Punk Rawk Show" by MxPx. I want it played at my funeral. I am not kidding.
I will do it until I die. I am not kidding. I will be that Dad embarrassing his kids, and then that Father-in-law embarrassing the other side of the family, and then that old Grandpa still air guitaring. Because after that whole age 30 to age 60 gap, living life becomes really cool again. In the middle people get embarrassed if you do things like air guitar or go to clubs. But once you're like 60, everyone's like "Yeah! He's awesome. He still air guitars, even though he's 71 years old."
I am going to be that guy, and it will still be "Punk Rawk Show" by MxPx. I want it played at my funeral. I am not kidding.
Why I like: Lifeguarding
When your job requirements are near-silence and long stretches of time, you get to think a lot. I like that.
Also, it's professional people watching. How great is that?
Also, it's professional people watching. How great is that?
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Why I like: Index Cards
I'm a planner. I plan out everything, including conversations I'm going to have. Especially conversations that I'm going to have that are going to be uncomfortable or painful for me. I think out the points that I'm going to say, then list them in my head. Then I repeat that list several times, or many times, depending on how far away the conversation is.
The only problem with this is that I forget to incorporate the fact that people respond to my words into the script. Once I say one thing, the other person responds, and then we go off on that sentence or topic.
I then forget the rest of my points. I basically need index cards to have effective conversations. If I had all my points written on an index card, I could totally just look down and make sure I had said everything. It might tip some people off though; if I'm confronting someone in love, coming with index card in hand might make them a bit apprehensive.
For example: apologizing. Simple task, right? Should be easy?
To me, there are five parts to an apology:
1. Hey, I want to apologize.
2. I was wrong when I did (that thing).
3. I'm sorry that I did (that thing), because it hurt you. I don't want to hurt people.
4. (That thing) won't happen again.
5. Will you forgive me?
Even knowing that, I go into conversations and totally lose track of all my points. I usually get one or two out. Then I leave, feel unfinished, and want to go back to make more points. Kind of a closure thing.
I should just always bring an index card. Kinda like the towel from Hitchhiker's Guide, I guess. Only not as humorous.
The only problem with this is that I forget to incorporate the fact that people respond to my words into the script. Once I say one thing, the other person responds, and then we go off on that sentence or topic.
I then forget the rest of my points. I basically need index cards to have effective conversations. If I had all my points written on an index card, I could totally just look down and make sure I had said everything. It might tip some people off though; if I'm confronting someone in love, coming with index card in hand might make them a bit apprehensive.
For example: apologizing. Simple task, right? Should be easy?
To me, there are five parts to an apology:
1. Hey, I want to apologize.
2. I was wrong when I did (that thing).
3. I'm sorry that I did (that thing), because it hurt you. I don't want to hurt people.
4. (That thing) won't happen again.
5. Will you forgive me?
Even knowing that, I go into conversations and totally lose track of all my points. I usually get one or two out. Then I leave, feel unfinished, and want to go back to make more points. Kind of a closure thing.
I should just always bring an index card. Kinda like the towel from Hitchhiker's Guide, I guess. Only not as humorous.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Why I like: Putting Down the Shovel
I'm a very open person. I don't hide my emotions or opinions very often, and as a result, I get to the bottom of situations very quickly.
This is a blessing and a curse, because sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is resolution, and sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is a hole that I can't dig myself out of.
I hate it when an innocent conversation starts going down an incredibly awkward path. I almost always try to dig myself out, and more often than not it just gets worse and worse. Feelings get hurt, opinions of me get changed, people get offended, maybe even blows get exchanged. Mostly the first three, but you know how I roll. The fourth is always an option. Me and my 5"7' self.
But for serious, if I don't pay attention I have the ability to sound really callous and shallow for saying things I honestly believe. It's a problem. I'm just too comfortable with my opinions - I can dash them off and not even think about how the people I'm conversing with will act.
I also make light of situations in what some feel is an inappropriate manner. Again, I'm too comfortable with the subject material.
All this to say: not everything I know should be said to other people. Not everything I say should be known to other people. Oy vey.
Bumper Sticker You'll Never See: I put the kwar in awkward.
This is a blessing and a curse, because sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is resolution, and sometimes the metaphorical 'bottom' is a hole that I can't dig myself out of.
I hate it when an innocent conversation starts going down an incredibly awkward path. I almost always try to dig myself out, and more often than not it just gets worse and worse. Feelings get hurt, opinions of me get changed, people get offended, maybe even blows get exchanged. Mostly the first three, but you know how I roll. The fourth is always an option. Me and my 5"7' self.
But for serious, if I don't pay attention I have the ability to sound really callous and shallow for saying things I honestly believe. It's a problem. I'm just too comfortable with my opinions - I can dash them off and not even think about how the people I'm conversing with will act.
I also make light of situations in what some feel is an inappropriate manner. Again, I'm too comfortable with the subject material.
All this to say: not everything I know should be said to other people. Not everything I say should be known to other people. Oy vey.
Bumper Sticker You'll Never See: I put the kwar in awkward.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Why I Like: Personality Quirks
Let it be known that I am that guy who goes to a dance party and is more excited about the granola bars than the party.
Yeah, that totally happened today.
Yeah, that totally happened today.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Why I like: Darts
We have a dart board in the staff lounge. I haven't hit any people, so I think this moves me up from novice to amateur. For reals though: I am quickly becoming a dart shark (if by 'dart shark' you mean that I'm hitting the board more often than the wall now). YES!
It's just fun to throw something sharp as hard as you can and not get in trouble for it.
It's just fun to throw something sharp as hard as you can and not get in trouble for it.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Why I like: Sitting around a fire
There are few things that bring a group of guys together better than sitting around a fire and talking. The combination of stories, laughter and honesty is a rare combination for guys. It creates an atmosphere unlike any I've ever experienced. I recommend it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Why I like: Explanations
So I explained I would try to write every day. Try has become the operative word, with fail being the condition of that word. Here's why: during the 9 weeks of summer camp at New Life Ranch, we have two hours off a day. We can do whatever we want with these.
During staff training, we do not get two hours off a day. We get really unexpected times off. Sometimes we'll get done with an event early. Sometimes there's nothing planned for a time, even though the schedule says there is something planned. Long story short: there's no continuity or pattern to this week and a half.
Thus, no writing for a week, then two posts in one day. Staff training happens like that.
During the summer (read: starting Monday night), I will have time to post daily. Hopefully I'll have time to post tomorrow, because I have some thoughts on a thing to tell you about. No really, I do. Imagine that.
great mental image of the day: Sgt. Pepper's-era Beatles on Surfboards. yes.
During staff training, we do not get two hours off a day. We get really unexpected times off. Sometimes we'll get done with an event early. Sometimes there's nothing planned for a time, even though the schedule says there is something planned. Long story short: there's no continuity or pattern to this week and a half.
Thus, no writing for a week, then two posts in one day. Staff training happens like that.
During the summer (read: starting Monday night), I will have time to post daily. Hopefully I'll have time to post tomorrow, because I have some thoughts on a thing to tell you about. No really, I do. Imagine that.
great mental image of the day: Sgt. Pepper's-era Beatles on Surfboards. yes.
Why I like: Camp
We are always doing something at camp. Especially during staff training (which runs until Saturday), we never have time to sit down.
Case in point: On Monday, my small group decided to go to out to a small (but awesome) restaurant in the bustling Metropolis of Siloam Springs, Arakansas, for lunch. We got there, much to our disappointment, to find it closed. We then realized that it was Memorial Day. None of us, including the three resident staff (read: adults) knew it was Memorial day.
We seriously live in a bubble.
Case in point: On Monday, my small group decided to go to out to a small (but awesome) restaurant in the bustling Metropolis of Siloam Springs, Arakansas, for lunch. We got there, much to our disappointment, to find it closed. We then realized that it was Memorial Day. None of us, including the three resident staff (read: adults) knew it was Memorial day.
We seriously live in a bubble.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Why I like: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
It's a bad-a movie for almost two hours. Mutt Williams is great, Miriam Ravenwood makes me happy, and the storyline is "WTF mate??" interesting.
Then, in one of the worst endings of all time (the Hindenburg comes to mind, for comparison), George Lucas exerts his Executive Producer might.
"I'm George Lucas, Suckaaaaaaaaaaas! I do whats I want!" he declared (in an incredibly African-Americanized manner). Then he proceeded to drive the film into the ground. It only took six minutes and one CGI sequence, but seriously. Your soul will feel violated that you just watched such an incredible movie, only to see it dashed hopelessly on the rocks. Kinda like if Odysseus made it past the sirens, Scylla and Charbydis, and everything else, then hit some rocks off the coast of his hometown and his ship sank and his entire crew died. He still swims home, but geez. What a crappy ending.
I have a feeling this weekend is going to be off the chartzorz for Indy 4. Next weekend there we be like 3 dollars taken in. It's just not a film I'm going to go see again. If the ending were different, I'd see it like eight times. But you seriously feel cheated.
funny mental image I'm left with: George Lucas with a fro in Harlem.
Then, in one of the worst endings of all time (the Hindenburg comes to mind, for comparison), George Lucas exerts his Executive Producer might.
"I'm George Lucas, Suckaaaaaaaaaaas! I do whats I want!" he declared (in an incredibly African-Americanized manner). Then he proceeded to drive the film into the ground. It only took six minutes and one CGI sequence, but seriously. Your soul will feel violated that you just watched such an incredible movie, only to see it dashed hopelessly on the rocks. Kinda like if Odysseus made it past the sirens, Scylla and Charbydis, and everything else, then hit some rocks off the coast of his hometown and his ship sank and his entire crew died. He still swims home, but geez. What a crappy ending.
I have a feeling this weekend is going to be off the chartzorz for Indy 4. Next weekend there we be like 3 dollars taken in. It's just not a film I'm going to go see again. If the ending were different, I'd see it like eight times. But you seriously feel cheated.
funny mental image I'm left with: George Lucas with a fro in Harlem.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Why I dislike: The Internet
Everything possible is available on the internet. Unfortunately, it's not always accessible. I totally missed my friend Nathan being interviewed on The House FM with his incredible piano-rock band Skyline Circle because my internet connection decided that it wasn't going to stream the radio station online.
If the internet were punchable, it would have a black eye by now. Also, it would be crouched in the fetal position. Pwned.
As it stands, though, I got pwned by the internet. Sad day.
If the internet were punchable, it would have a black eye by now. Also, it would be crouched in the fetal position. Pwned.
As it stands, though, I got pwned by the internet. Sad day.
Why I like: Guestroom Records
I got Fountains of Wayne's Welcome Interstate Managers, the obscure Retrospective from the High Llamas, and the extremely obscure Learn: The Songs of Phil Ochs by Kind of Like Spitting for 20 bucks total.
But the reason I love Guestroom is not the reasonable pricing or the incredible selection. It's the fact that one of the co-owners (who was clerking at the time) had conversation with me about two of the three albums in the minute while I was checking out.
It made me feel great. I'm not alone in my obsessive love of music! Woo!
But the reason I love Guestroom is not the reasonable pricing or the incredible selection. It's the fact that one of the co-owners (who was clerking at the time) had conversation with me about two of the three albums in the minute while I was checking out.
It made me feel great. I'm not alone in my obsessive love of music! Woo!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Why I like: Biting my nails
I only bite my nails when I'm in situations of high tension or complete boredom. The common denominator in these situations is that I am powerless to accomplish anything. I bite my nails because the broken nail is proof that I've accomplished something, no matter how small.
And they taste good.
And they taste good.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Why I like: Steve Forbes
When I am done reading books, I have to fill out tax forms. While I'm filling out tax forms, all I can think of is "Steve Forbes! Where are you?"
In my imagination, he would swoop down in a bright red spandex suit with a big, black "17%" slapped on his chest. He'd yell, "I want to get rid of this tax code that oppresses people!!" Then he'd whip out his Tax Sword (with which he makes tax cuts) and slice the forms I'm filling out in half. Then he would pat me on the head goodnaturedly, sheath his sword, and fly off into the sky, bound to save another helpless citizen from tax paperwork.
"That's my president," I would sigh dreamily.
Regardless of how you feel about a flat tax, the thing seems pretty enticing when I'm filling out (and, even more impossible, trying to understand) myriads of paperwork.
In my imagination, he would swoop down in a bright red spandex suit with a big, black "17%" slapped on his chest. He'd yell, "I want to get rid of this tax code that oppresses people!!" Then he'd whip out his Tax Sword (with which he makes tax cuts) and slice the forms I'm filling out in half. Then he would pat me on the head goodnaturedly, sheath his sword, and fly off into the sky, bound to save another helpless citizen from tax paperwork.
"That's my president," I would sigh dreamily.
Regardless of how you feel about a flat tax, the thing seems pretty enticing when I'm filling out (and, even more impossible, trying to understand) myriads of paperwork.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Why I like: Stories
Stories appeal not only to my love of beginnings, but to my intrinsic desire to be rewarded for being good. Stories that end up with happy endings have direct rewards for the good characters. Stories that end with sad endings make us feel for "that noble, tragic hero." Both fill me with passion and exuberance, albeit in very different ways. I didn't stand up and yell "Eff yeah!!" at the end of Life is Beautiful; the only tears I cried in Iron Man were tears made out of pure awesome, which immediately transformed into bullets.
Stories also appeal to me because it makes me feel like my life has the capability of being an adventure, just like the books I read. They make me reflect on the type of person (the type of character?) people see me as.
In stories, the lead character being remembered as a noble person who should have had a happy ending actually creates more feeling in me than a happy ending. I would love to have a happy ending. In real life, a happy ending is definitely preferable to a tragic one. But even if my life goes down in flames, it is just as satisfying to have many people say that, "You deserve better, based on all the good you have accomplished for me and everyone else you know."
I know that God doesn't work on the rewards system. I know that we don't necessarily earn the things that happen to us, good or ill. But, for better of for worse, real people do work on the "What have you done for me lately?" system. Having people think well of me in that way is an admirable thing, in my book. I don't do life for the approval of men, but it is undeniably a wonderful feeling when someone expresses those sentiments towards me.
Sometimes I wish my life were more like a book, with a set antagonist whose defeat ensured me a happy ending. Sometimes I feel that my life is more like a tragic story than any I've read recently. Those comparisons fuel the feeling that my life is a grand and exciting story. The hopes and dreams I have are excited by the stories I read/watch and embodied in the fiction I write. I like stories because I am one.
Stories also appeal to me because it makes me feel like my life has the capability of being an adventure, just like the books I read. They make me reflect on the type of person (the type of character?) people see me as.
In stories, the lead character being remembered as a noble person who should have had a happy ending actually creates more feeling in me than a happy ending. I would love to have a happy ending. In real life, a happy ending is definitely preferable to a tragic one. But even if my life goes down in flames, it is just as satisfying to have many people say that, "You deserve better, based on all the good you have accomplished for me and everyone else you know."
I know that God doesn't work on the rewards system. I know that we don't necessarily earn the things that happen to us, good or ill. But, for better of for worse, real people do work on the "What have you done for me lately?" system. Having people think well of me in that way is an admirable thing, in my book. I don't do life for the approval of men, but it is undeniably a wonderful feeling when someone expresses those sentiments towards me.
Sometimes I wish my life were more like a book, with a set antagonist whose defeat ensured me a happy ending. Sometimes I feel that my life is more like a tragic story than any I've read recently. Those comparisons fuel the feeling that my life is a grand and exciting story. The hopes and dreams I have are excited by the stories I read/watch and embodied in the fiction I write. I like stories because I am one.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Why I like: Books
It's simple, really. When I'm reading a book, I'm actively not filling out tax forms.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Why I like: Beginnings
The best thing about a beginning is that it means something else is over. I idealize beginnings, especially when I'm at the end of something else. The coming beginning is going to be so much better than whatever I'm doing - so much better.
I could find a friend I'll keep for the rest of my life. I could find a business partner. I could find the person that makes my life make sense. I could (and should!) find new adventures. I could find a wife at the new beginning. I could find all of them - they could be one person. The possibilities are endless and exciting.
It is with this incredible sense of expectation of and hope that I start the summer. I am ready to grab the world and shake life out of it. The world is a moving target, but I am always in motion. I am ready for life. With no specific expectations other than a grand adventure following Christ, I go.
I love beginnings. I do.
I could find a friend I'll keep for the rest of my life. I could find a business partner. I could find the person that makes my life make sense. I could (and should!) find new adventures. I could find a wife at the new beginning. I could find all of them - they could be one person. The possibilities are endless and exciting.
It is with this incredible sense of expectation of and hope that I start the summer. I am ready to grab the world and shake life out of it. The world is a moving target, but I am always in motion. I am ready for life. With no specific expectations other than a grand adventure following Christ, I go.
I love beginnings. I do.
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